2008, i'm okay

i was lucky; i was unlucky.

i was dependent; i was independent.

i was happy; i was sad.

i was tipsy; i was awake.

i was busy; i was free.

i was earning; i was spending.

i was laughing; i was crying.

i was smiling; i was mourning.

i was waiting; i was chasing.

i was good; i was bad.

i was talking; i was silent.

i was enjoying; i was suffering.

i was guilty; i was pleading.

i apologized; i apologized.

i was sweating; i was freezing.

i hurt; i was hurt.

i stabbed; the knife never left.

i was honest; i was lying.

i was swimming; i was flying.

i was healthy; i was unhealthy.

i was injured; i was cured.

i was walking; i was limping.

i was eating; i was hungry.

i was full; i was eating.

i was torn; and i still am.

but overall, i guess, i was okay.

i'm okay.

rest in peace

今年，我有两位亲人过世。首先是祖母，再来就是二姑，祖母的女儿。

23号的凌晨2点，我接到大姑的电话，紧张兮兮地说，二姑快要不行了，如果要，就赶快来看她。我听了不知所措，赶上楼去告诉父母。可爸爸竟然说，“明天先！都已经这么夜了，你要怎样？”我一时气上头，回了一句，“随便你吧，反正是你的妹妹！”说罢，继续倒头大睡。

这一幕，很恐怖吧，亲情，原来上了年纪，各有各的家庭后，竟然不过如此。怎么我突然觉得，就算朋友也不会这样丢下自己不管呢？也许，真的是年纪的关系吧。

二姑早在十多年前就患上癌症。后来，治好了。实际情况是如何，我不清楚，因为家族里就是有这种‘阶级观念’，小孩是不应该知道太多事情的。如果连我阿妈都不懂的，那么我就只有自己挖出答案了。几年前，二姑旧病复发，依然留在伦敦治病。她说那里医疗福利好，不算钱，而且医术又先进。可是，今年祖母去世后的几个月，她回国治病了。我开始在想，到底是她舍不得伦敦眼前的，还是她想回家了？

自从她回来以后，三叔和大姑对她非常照顾。这一点，我实在由衷佩服。要照顾一位病人的能耐，真的不是每个人都有。二姑回来的时候，我们还常常通电话。因为那时候的我行动不便，只好以电话慰问。后来，她入院了，我自己耐不住，叫两位朋友载我去探望她（因为大姑很荒谬地说，我今年交通意外已经相当倒霉，不该再到医院探病。天啊！我不是一直都在医院进进出出吗？）。那个时候的她，已经相当瘦弱了。

后来的后来，我一旦对自己的开车技术有信心，就跟阿妈去她家看她了。她可是住得好~远~我们迷路了大概半小时。你可以笑我没有方向感，但我真的觉得，第一次去的人，还要凭着我阿妈那种‘龙虾记忆’，真的‘算系0甘喇’。结果，看见二姑，真的是吓一跳！我从来不知道骨瘦如柴，不是夸大其词。

23号晚上，我们就是迟了2分钟，否则就能送她最后一程。不是执著，也知道在生的时候，如果没有好好关心她，那最后一程，真的不算什么。不过，知道她走得这么遗憾，心里还是不舒服。

我对二姑没有什么深刻的回忆，不过每一年的圣诞节都一定会收到她和三姑从伦敦寄来的贺卡。还有，就是在葬礼的任何仪式上，依稀想起，很小的时候，她和三姑，带着我开车到市中心打包她们心目中最好吃的椰浆饭。。。还有二姑、三姑、小姑一起做kaya。。。然后就是很久很久讲一次有的没的的电话，对话里通常都是问过得好不好、喜不喜欢她们寄来的礼物。。。之后，就是她们送了祖母后，回伦敦的那一趟，我和阿妈到机场去送机，给她们一个意外惊喜；因为我以为，祖母去世后，要见到两位姑姑就很难了，也不知道是什么时候的事了。。。
不过，由此可见，很亲和很熟，真的是两回事。

几天前，才听见朋友哥哥的死讯。。。人，真的可以说走就走。

最近，也听说不少关于朋友的至亲患病的消息。。。健康，真的是最重要。

今天是圣诞日，我在广东殡仪馆度过了我的平安夜，今晚亦如此。
明天早上，就是火葬仪式了，希望二姑能够一路好走，安息。

the Russian film festival 2009

the barber of Siberia
Moscow does not believe in tears
the cranes are flying

以上三部就是我及时捧场的俄罗斯电影。三部都代表着不同的时代背景，各有千秋，每一部都那么好看。

我从来没有接触过俄罗斯电影，所以当我观赏第一部，“西伯利亚的理发师”时，我真的感到非常震撼。不知道是文化上的差异，还是我对俄罗斯文化/国情的一知半解，我真的不知道，他们的电影那么有意思，那么棒。不是说我低估他们的作品，只是我对俄罗斯历史和近代史的不了解让我误以为他们都是背着共产思想生活的一群人。最令我诧异的是，他们比任何民族都还要幽默！

还有，导演的心思细密，早在50年代的得奖电影可以看出来。他所运用的每一个镜头都在说一个故事，也许剪接不太成熟，可是就当时的进度来看，真的很不错了。不过，那个时候，我们马来影坛也有非常具代表性的作品，奈何今时今日，尽是一些无病呻吟的作品呢？

而且，俄片跟世界观的角度从来不曾脱节。“莫斯科不相信眼泪”这部电影里的三位女主角就是一系列革命的写照。无论是女性主义的抬头，还是民主意识的崛起，所有的发展城市都有这样的故事在发生。莫斯科这个大都会就像是每个人的梦；我不知道来自其他州的游子是否也把吉隆坡看成片地黄金的福地，但我肯定马来西亚还没有这样一部电影的写照。也许有，但没有那么全面（我指的是完全性）。

演员们的演技有些停留在相当舞台剧的模式，不过却增添了喜剧效果。当中的角色，可以看出来都是精心设计，就算是演出只有一、两幕的戏份，还是非常有戏！这一点，他们还真的很认真。

看完了这三部作品，令我非常期待到俄罗斯电影院，看看他们现在的电影都是什么样的素质。

p/s for you who wants to attend the Brazilian Film Festivals, just go to the venue before showtime, and you can grab a nice seat and enjoy the film!

台湾人的浪漫

-- 海角七号

我在看这部电影之前都不敢知道太多关于电影的资料。原因是电影太火红，声浪太大了，不少人给予批评和赞美，我不想被左右，只想要静静欣赏。我想知道，到底它凭什么成为台湾今年的‘国片’。

结果，电影看完了，我才知道，原来台湾人真的很浪漫。也许，每一个民族都有他们那浪漫的特性；可是，在魏导演的镜头中，台湾人的浪漫实在唯美。叙事手法由一封封没有被寄出的情书穿引，最后对收件人没有太多的戏剧化诠释，有一种遗憾美。每一个角色都有自己必须走下去的未完成，但是每一个角色都带着自己的坚持和信念，走到那一时、那一刻。

*茂伯那样可爱的‘国宝’想必给了大家一个机会，重新去理解活着的意义。那一份老人家的感性、任性、孩子气。。。甚至于浪漫，叫我感动。

*劳马对已故的太太坚守的那份爱情没有被渲染，也没有被埋葬；单是那幕，小女孩亲吻他的额头，就已经把整个意义的精髓和意境表露无逸。那种内敛，那份成熟情感的恰到好处，非常到位。

*鼓手水蛙的傻气和默默爱着老板娘的故事，让我联想电影"love actually"里winona ryder和那位黑人的那段关系。没有开始，没有结束；只有过程。我认为那是另一种纯纯的爱。。。是不切实际，但却是那么的。。。浪漫。所以，套林晓培那句：“你厉害！”

*两小无猜的小小恋情，似有似无，尴尬的小纯浪漫，带点诗意，也勾起那些puppy love的回忆。如果我也有这么一段回忆，我想一定会是傻得很甜的过去。

*主角阿嘉和友子之间的感情倒是我最没有感受到的。我问阿猫，他们什么时候开始的啊？因为突然间，友子到阿嘉门前的时候，友子已经是深爱着阿嘉了。可是，我怎么感觉不到开始啊？也许就是这样吧。从来没有人计较或者知道什么时候开始，因为浪漫的过程在等待着。而到了结束的时候，却又因为太多的恨和不甘愿，令结束特别地咬牙切齿。

说实在，我真的没有觉得这部电影有那么的棒或那么的闷。我衷心觉得，这是一部很不错的电影，我挺喜欢的电影。其实，国情和民情的不了解，会影响大家对电影的评价。就如把yasmin ahmad的电影"sepet"播在台湾，回响也一定不如我国一样。

海角七号，没有让我想要游恒春的冲动，没有让我勾起什么切身回忆；可总是有淡淡的共鸣，还有那份令我向往的浪漫。

i'm loving 3D animation!

yes, i'm so talking about this BOLT!!!



me, mei-mei & di-di went to watch the 3D version and we all love it very much! i was so crazy about the 'i-call-it-fat-squirrel-but-turn-out-hamster-creature' and i love every bit of it! he's so crazy, so funny, so dedicated, and utmost, he has a belief! (i know u r going to say 'fat', but no... i look beyond physical appearance, though i really think he looks soooooooooo cute! ahem!)



the whole story is good, to me. typical but i like it. and it really made me want to keep a dog like Bolt. a pet that can save your day, how good can that be. well, Mitten is nice and smart, but still, i'm not into cats.

besides, the whoever animator or character designer did a really good job on the pigeons! they really look real and the movement is superb! the tones of their feathers are just so real.

omg, i just love animation. look at the magic it made! everything that is unreal made real and lives are given into. dear all, grab a ticket and prepare to love the animation!

film festivals in town!

Italian Film Festival at Universiti Malaya from 15-19Dec2008.

Brazilian Film Festival at KL Pac from 22Nov2008 - 4Jan2009.

Russian Film Festival at KL Convention Centre from 18-21Dec2008.

well, i'm skipping the Italian ones, attending the Russian ones and trying to get invitation to the Brazilian ones.

代你点给我

让我想 我亦未曾想过
早上岸获救的我
会突然重堕这冰河
爱是极亲密而生疏
可以化为神仙 可以变作恶魔
一心两极哪到我揣摩

负我的怎会杀我
怎会变作我的终极大祸
你从前还曾经拯救过我
是否我信仰的都背弃我
快乐后患大多
这段路给了我很多
这段路走到最终反而伤透我
事过境迁亦难以负荷
同行的你 为何都关涉我

愿这歌 记下旧时的错
不要像被骗的我
信任谁能为我掌舵
记住爱比恨难捉摸
可以化为童话 可以变作挽歌
这点领会晚了有几多

负我的怎会杀我
怎会变作我的终极大祸
你从前还曾经拯救过我
是否我信仰的都背弃我
快乐后患大多
这段路给了我很多
这段路走到最终反而伤透我
事过境迁亦难以负荷
同行的你 为何都关涉我

当天若真正爱过
怎会变作我的终极大祸
你从前还曾经亲吻过我
是否我信仰的都背弃我
快乐后患大多
这段路给了我很多
这段路走到最终竟然毁了我
事过境迁亦难以负荷
同眠的你 为何挥刀刺我

VII Latin-American Film Festivals @ National Art Gallery

FUGA (CHILE)

这部电影的故事和叙述手法都很棒，非常引人入胜。尤其是因为对于智利国情和民情，甚至文化历史的不解，更想借有这部的镜头和诠释去了解。

男主角和其他角色的演技都相当出色。不晓得电影里的那位音乐家生平，所以没办法对故事作出什么评价；但从剧情片的角度看来，是挺流畅的。

镜头的运用非常好，也很深刻，相比于《the pianist》，算是不过不失的制作吧。

HUAPANGO (MEXICO)

除了对墨西哥的这个民族舞蹈有多一层的认识之外，故事属于莎士比亚类型的风格，没有太吸引我，但也不至于看不下去。

也许对墨西哥电影和电视有一定的认知吧，总觉得他们应该拿其他更有看头的电影参展。

Nueba Yol: Balbuena Finally Made It! (REP OF DOMINICAN)

对于这个国家，我几乎是没有任何印象。不过，这部电影倒是有那种中国新移民到美国或香港谋生的相似熟悉感。桥段或故事曲折之处缺乏新鲜感，不过男主角的演技确实维妙维俏。

SON OF THE BRIDE (ARGENTINA)

阿根廷真的是站稳脚步了，选了一部挺商业化的电影参展。这样不但给人有国际水准和口味的印象，也突出了他们国情和民情思维上的进展和‘全球化’。

故事属于轻松小品，夹杂着些许的幽默，荷里活式的起承转折，容易引人入胜，却不失都会人追求的平凡感动。演员们的演技一流；镜头的拿捏也恰到好处。导演和编剧功不可没，好像还赢了什么国际奖项的，有兴趣就上网查看吧。

HOW MUCH FURTHER (ECUADOR)

厄瓜多尔，我想我只有对他们的足球有印象吧。

故事里的两位女主角，一位代表自家国，一位代表统治国；前者说起话来有点印度的腔调，另一位则显得相当摩登。电影情节的发展和方向偏独立电影式或艺术电影，不懂欣赏的人会觉得沉闷。我倒是觉得，故事在积极呈现出现代厄瓜多尔年轻一代的新思想。如果仔细留意对白，以及穿插的每一个角色，他们都背负着特别的意义和各自在传递不同的讯息。

这个国家风情优美之处也被镜头扫览无遗，地理环境的优势，比较遮盖国情黑暗的部分，间接地突显国家求变得决心。


p/s thanks to the long vacation or i'd not have the chance to be so involved... and after 4 months of not driving, i first drove to NAG...

KLiFF 2008

i missed the screenings (FOC open to public), i missed the awards/gala (no good comment from tang who watched at channel-Kirana), but i stuck my ass at the Seri Pacific Hotel for the 2-day symposium (thanks to tuck cheong).

i'd say, its indeed a nice experience to have attend the symposium as it opened my eyes about some 'film' issue going on in Asia. i enjoyed a lot from presentations by interesting speakers like Nick from Philippines, Hassan from Malaysia and Paolo from Italy. besides, i also make some friends and meet some long-time-no-see figures from MIIM.

however, i was quite disappointed that the organizer (needless to mention) did not do a good job with the fund (i estimated from my point of view) given (by the ministry i supposed?). as we discussed over the break time with friends around, we really thought they could do a lot better than this. the promotions were not out-reaching the public, i was told that there was last minute cancellation of screening, the symposium could be a lot better (in various aspects) etc.

anyway, i'm not in a analyzing mood now, so i'd just say, i'm really looking forward to next year's KLiFF, hoping with the aid of KakiSeni, it'll be a better one, with more affection, at least.

p/s i do hope that the attendees in the future will not be late again and also switch their hand-phones to vibrate mode.

i'm convinced that i'm more of an Aquarius than a Taurus

"i see you are very aquarius too. Erm, weak willed, easily get hurt, indecisive, lazy to put things in action."

i got this sms from a primary school mate. i wonder how could he tell this for we've only met twice, and we met because of a friendly visit organized by some primary school mates. its either he is so good in reading people, or he is a super big fan of reading horoscopes; or both.

other than easily get hurt, i'm really everything in the text. i never really fit into any typical descriptions of taurus. i'm not patient, i'm not creative, i'm not an artist... and lately its proven that i'm not loyal. but i do fit into the category of 'practical'. i think that's the most taurus part in me.

well, i must say, if that is really an aquarius thing, then i think i must be a so-aquarius taurus... or perhaps any other horoscope master can tell me more about this.

first of December 2008

still, the only good news left is your birthday. i mean, i can't imagine u didn't come to the world 27 years ago and met me 8 years ago. or i'll be breaking into pieces already by now.

the bad news are lining-up as usual...
L is still in despair.
AW is torn.
LJ is... nothing better.
then i heard, SN is not cooping well with some matters.
and i didn't hear from CL yet, so i supposed nothing good cross the way.
as for myself, i got a call during dinner. J said it all, no game for me this round, too. well, at least it didn't take long, to prove me that i have no talent in this. time to give up.

anyway, i got the so called compensation from the-J-boss today, he also treated us nice buffet lunch. but i felt so weird. i don't even have the appetite for whatever sushi & sashimi. i was just 'indulging' because i think i should be playing that role. anyway, he has been a nice boss and i do look forward to work with him again. and the money is just in time for me to give it to mum as her birthday present.

lately, keeping myself in the water seems to be the only way to pull myself together. whenever i'm away, i get back to that drowning-into-nowhere mode. but its okay! at least i'm befriending books and movies, some music. i shall also write and write too, like i have no tomorrow to write.